happy new year.

year of the goat.. sheep.. ram. whatever. this year… i feel like its going to be a hard year. last year was shit. i mean of course there were good moments, but over all, it wasnt that great of a year.  I have a better feeling about this year, kinda, even though it hasnt started off on the right note. I think this will be a year that i’m going to go through a lot of changes, and for the better.

it sucks. im sitting here and reminiscing about the past 3 new years ive spent with lohan. I cant believe that this was my 4th year. time has flown. things have changed… and arent how they used to be. i’d give anything to go back how things were 3 years ago during year of the dragon. that was the best new years. we had so much fun, worked our asses off, and spent every day together. now… thats gone.

i know i can’t live in the past, but i cant help but miss it. its time to move on and create new memories… 

happy birthday. well.. an hour or so has passed after, but w/e.

we didnt even get to celebrate last year, but to see as we arent even friends anymore guess we havent even really got to in two years.

wow its been pretty much a year. i honestly dont know why i still take losing you as a friend so hard. eh i guess if i really had to think hard about it, its cause you helped me keep it real. you were always someone to have around and i didnt feel like i had to censor myself. idk i guess i find myself somewhat filtering who i am around certain people. there isnt a whole lot of people who i had no secrets from.

i wish you well on your birthday. i really do hope youre happy and not falling into familiarity.

fucking shit this sucks. i hate you. i really do.

what do i do…

i love him. i really do. but its coming to the point where im being given options. when the time comes, itll hurt… but i gotta do whats best right?

i want to push you away and try to forget you, but i know i’ll end up missing you and all my efforts to leave will be wasted because that pain will just be too much for me to handle… and i’ll be back at square one.

im sad & i want to cry but i cant. my answer? ive cried enough the past couple years that i just dont have anymore tears TO cry.

im numb.

Sign up for this beta!

having the urge to just tell you i love you, but cant. -sigh-

seriously. i have never met such a confusing person. the jealousy that shouldnt even exist DOES exist. everything just doesnt make sense. why cant we stop? we both know we care for one another but never show it. this is …. stupid.

2013

what a year. seriously. ive been through so much shit this year, im surprised i can hold my head up this high.

the year started off amazing because my brother gianni came home from japan :] chinese new years came along, and it was fun and exhausting as always. was brutally grounded for a month because my mother found my diary. then came my 21st birthday & celebrated it by getting a piercing instead of going out and getting stupid drunk. lost my job at dr penas. enjoyed the non employment life for a bit, but it hurt my wallet. summer was okay. started my first big tattoo, and still going at it. i love my dragon :] went back to the midwest and then cali as always. school started up again and it is what it is. i changed my major.. no more nursing. that has definitely have to be one of the biggest moments of this year. another is getting my job at Rx Boiler Room. not a lot of ppl can say they like all their coworkers AND all their managers. and the highlight of the year is probably my first kung fu tournament in LA. to this day, i still cant believe how well i did. i cant wait til the next one. by the time i knew it, the holidays came around and its been a year.

2013 was rough. im still “with” the same guy.. yet ive reverted back to my old ways. im not proud of it, but fuck… it is what it is. ive also lost a lot of friendships. friendships i wished i still had. school is difficult. my parents are hard to deal with.. the list could go on.

any regrets? no. not really. ive grown a lot in the past year and learned so much. 2014 is the real test, and im ready.